SENSE OF BELONGING

When living abroad one might feel isolated, unrooted and/or overwhelmed.
Many of our resources will be used to adapt to the codes of the new culture. We might need to learn new habits, acquire a new language and develop new skills. This is an exciting journey that can lead to awake a lot of our potential and growth. But the process of learning and growth doesn’t come always in an easy and light way, it is not represented as a normal or Gaussian distribution, more specifically can have many shapes, that means a lot of ups and downs on the same day or on the same activity or relationship. Therefore, shadows which it means fears, unknown parts of our personality or old memories might wake up and shake our ground when we are in stressful or new situations, in the most unexpected ways.

Nowadays the most current source of suffering in human being, have to do with criticism. This factor stems from the external demand from religion, culture, society, family or gender, that neglects the active listening, observing and experiencing one as a unique and special being. When we take us or others for granted we are loosing the great chance to change and develop. We are cancelling the option to thrive on our own element. We compromise our true needs to avoid confrontation and conflict which when we are kids obviously is not the most clever way to act. Mainly because back then we needed our caregivers to survive, therefore here we face possibly the adaptative mission that this mechanism of not individualizing has. Not many of us , if any, have grown up in environment where there was space, time, energy and resources from our grown up to develop respect, curiosity and acceptance from a different perspective, opinion or position. Therefore, the most often response is that we shut down, observe , imitate (copy and paste). As a result of this, we end up complying or becoming a rebeld ( a compensation mechanism too) , no more options. Both of them mean not to develop our own criteria, our own system of beliefs, connection to feelings and body.

We can now address that is vital in this process to truly explore what it means for each of us, as individuals, to ‘Belong’. Some examples are that to belong for some has to do with the freedom to express their voice, opinions, and movements; whereas for others, has to more to do with the permission to express vulnerability and feel held; and for others, have to with having enough space for themselves, basically that they are accepted even though they are not the most active or expressive ones.

When I first started offering individual therapy in Denmark, I didn’t know, or maybe I have heard, but haven’t experienced on my skin, how big the gap between the Scandinavian culture and Easter or Southern culture is. However every culture relates to their emotions, to their body, to their surroundings is a whole new universe. I remember helping my first clients, and trying to keep a position as neutral as possible on this, but soon enough when I confirmed that I couldn’t look away and act like if we were all equals. This fact can deeply impact on a subjective level activating emotional wounds from our background. The environment will always affect the individual, and it never gets forgotten if we have not been a good fit in our family or in our group of friends or in our work team. We tend normally to take this personal, then we will link this to the criticism we have actively or passively received and BOOM- we fall into confirm what our wound taught us, that we are not beautiful enough, clever enough, good enough, fast enough, efficient enough,….you name it!